1st
The Swine Flu is just a hyped-up prude
My family had Swine Flu in da house this week.
All that ballyhoo and H1N1 didn’t even deliver. People, it’s like the Y2K of viruses—it’s a DUDmuffin, a flop, the absentee father of influenza strains. We anticipated an epic phlegm-spewing homedemic but experienced the equivalent of a mild hangover: “Meh. I feel sorta nauseous. Ice waahhterrr.” Then we’d park on the couch like beached whales and unintentionally watch UPN for 4 hours, gargling on gatorade.
Think I can sell these come Halloween?
We over-prepared a tad. Like Y2K, we have enough toilet paper to dry our bums till the next millennium. We were prescribed prophylactic anti flu medicine for ten days so being stricken ill has become a self fulfilling prophecy. We convince ourselves it sorta smells like ‘sick’ in the house, but that’s probs because we’ve sealed the shutters closed and refused to properly ventilate all week. And we’re subsisting solely on saltines and ginger ale, mostly because hey, it’s fun to play airplane! If I even walk towards the kitchen cupboard I’m already elbow deep in preventative Canada Dry.
The only scare I had was Tuesday morning when I sipped some coffee on an empty stomach and immediately felt like I was about to hurl my bile stores into the ‘ol bidet. My first thought was “It’s the shitty instant Folgers” Then it was: “I’VE GOT THE PIG FLU!!!”* But the doctor assured us it was the anti viral meds that were to blame for these surging waves of nausea. Little bro actually had the virus and at his worst he hacked like a Dickensian prostitute with TB. But yeah, swine flu, I thought you’d rock my world, but you didn’t put out. Hell, I’d take you over a gut-yanking hangover any day. When I next wake up all woozy from last night’s moonshine—-hands shaking, liver fluttering—- I’ll yearn for your viral embrace.
*Then it was “Why am I drinking FOLGERS????”
