February 2010
7 posts
“Our assignment is to interview someone less fortunate than us…like people...”
– Sometimes tutoring is worth it
Toy Boy, Mika
My associations are starting to...
Because we can
I’ve been all up in the fashion zeitgeist lately, so I wanted to do a little review of some of the horrors to come in 2010 (according to an episode of the Today Show…from January. Sorry).
1) The snuggie has evolved. It now encases the human form, and comes with a bonus ass flap. This is an excuse for innovation—everyone knows this is the same outfit that orphan toddlers in 1930s...
January 2010
6 posts
WATCH THIS dude turn himself into a Na’vi via photoshop. I found this whilst searching for the website for people coping with the fact that Pandora is a digital world of flourescent floating jellyfish and inside-out hyenas.
My favorite human-to-blue conversions are still Arrested Dev’s Tobias and the papa smurf dude from Oprah last year:
Elvish
Today Elvis would be 3/4 of a century old—HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUBBA!! When I was a gangly little moppet I had a natural fondness for The King…mostly because I saw the world through I Love Lucy-colored glasses. The 1950s swivel-pelvis Elvis seemed like the American Ricky Ricardo from my wee P.O.V.
So I totally couldn’t handle it when I found out that Elvis and my grandpa were bosom buddies.
Gpops...
December 2009
6 posts
Christmas isn't over until we eat all the...
…Or watch Gremlins. LET US NOT FORGET the voice of our beloved furry soprano, Gizmo, came from the vocal cords of a 1984 mulleted Howie Mandel.
November 2009
15 posts
And THESE corsets give the OTHER person welts
So I’m taking this speech class right now during an 8 week turbo semester at SMC (long story, let’s just move on).
I knew this class would be full of magic and blogoid inspiration when the professor told us on the first day that she was “electromagnetically sensitive”. Intensely so. She must stand on a yoga mat that is PLUGGED INTO THE WALL or else she can feel the...
How do YOU feel when "fart_robot" retweets you?:
When you can't beat em, bitch gotta be a poser
1) Went to a baby shower today. The room was filled with pastels, presents, and emotions.
2) Recently I have been acquiring “are you….Kardashian??” inquiries at an alarming rate. Last night it reached a crescendo, so I found a kindly black gentleman who volunteered to be my Lamar Odom for the night. The scheme quickly imploded when we stood up and I was the one who was a...
Is this not the worst thing in the world?
“Got my red backpack on our way”
-Text from my mom, picking me up from a bar in West Hollywood at 2 am.
Observation from the Starbucks Diaries
Today at around noon a smoldering cougar with venom on her breath shimmied up to the counter. Her skin was reminiscent of apricot fruit leather and glistened with a post-microdermabrasion glaze. She asked for a “super skinny latte”. Emblazoned in gold letters across her chest were the words “Must be 21 for this ride.”
-June somethingth, 2008
If Mother Teresa was a Brentwood Bitch
…she would totes shop at Fred Segal
Did you know??
The ones who don’t drink are the ones who get the weirdest when they drink. And that’s usually why they don’t drink.
So next time tell those sobes to wipe the smug looks off their faces and tell em that you know they’ve got a Gaga lurking inside.
I can't find my sunglasses!!!
Need my plastic confidence STAT.
October 2009
15 posts
I just got health insurance!!!!!
…after being rejected about 3 times from the iSnobs at Anthem, Aetna, and Blue Cross Blue Balls or whatever. I had to dust off my hustling and haul some major arse to get it.
This is ha-YOOOOGE. I am flying THIS HIGH right now:
Gringolandia esta mucha enferma and shit
So I lost my health insurance on October 1st.
Without it, there is only so much that a gimp like myself can do to maintain my health and she-virility, sans covered services. It mostly comes down to…
1) Prevention
Specifically, I’ve prohibited myself from doing the moonwalk while drunk. The last thing I need is a trip to the ER to mend another snapped metatarsal from impaired footwork...
Where have you been?
Srry I’ve been super busy growing my hair and ruining pictures in Photoshop.
“okay so i took an ambien once because i couldn’t sleep, and i was up all night...”
– Missbehave blog post comment on reactions to pills. I’ve gots insomnia like whoa, but refuse to take anything but Melatonin, being a pill-a-phobe and all. Even then I still hallucinate sometimes and see pumpkin-headed spiders on my nightstand if I wake up in the middle of the night.
Siiiiiiiiiick
…..and not the good sick, the bad one—I think I had food poisoning last night. I seriously feel like my ass gave birth to a monster. Oh WHOOPS did I just ruin the girly mystique? Girls poop too, I’m sorry. But our shit don’t stink.
*But it does.
And I thought $3 cupcakes were overpriced
This is my newest motivation to be filthy rich: the $25,000 Cupcake Car, featured in Neiman Marcus’s 2009 Holiday Catalog. In my imaginary dreamworld I rise from my pillows each morning—they’re stuffed with the nose hairs of the Dalai Lama—and drive the Cupcake Car to my private grotto that is filled with Grey Poupon.
If you’re gonna splurge on an enormous...
Yesterday I officially declared the end of my job...
And today a perfect gig, like a fainting seat partner on an airplane, plopped into my lap. Part time, so still room for tutoring and my secret project. Perfffffff.
Ohhhhh, LIFE.
Halloween costume idea #2: Amelia Bedelia (a...
How can I not pay homage to the original hot mess? I’m going to the children’s section of the library immedes.
Ya I made this image. Hopefully the first in a series? We’ll see what the muses think, but they’re probs drunk again.
The Swine Flu is just a hyped-up prude
My family had Swine Flu in da house this week.
All that ballyhoo and H1N1 didn’t even deliver. People, it’s like the Y2K of viruses—it’s a DUDmuffin, a flop, the absentee father of influenza strains. We anticipated an epic phlegm-spewing homedemic but experienced the equivalent of a mild hangover: “Meh. I feel sorta nauseous. Ice waahhterrr.” Then we’d park on the couch like beached...
“Yo Swine Flu, imma let you finish, but the Bubonic Plague was one of the best...”
– my thoughts this week, inspired by Sir Kanye
"There's GOT to be a better solution"
I always wondered when “peacocking” would get out of control. If everyone around you is doing it, then how are you ever going to stand out? Perhaps wear a jacket made entirely of cheese, maybe festoon a small child to your lapel. But now we can totally peacock in inclement weather, thanks to the hands-free dome umbrella—the NUBRELLA.
It looks like it would top the baby carriage...
September 2009
36 posts
Why don't I apply to fill THIS position?
Odds are I meet the height requirement, I love art and everything prehistory, and it’d be nice to get a taste of fame. Plus I’d be sitting shotgun during all that Druid hullabaloo for the solstices, and I’d heckle the kilts offa those wackadoos. Cons: tourists who pee, vom, and boff on me. Small price to pay for world renown, I think.